High Rise Infidelity

In heaven, as it is on earth, there are lines for everything. One day, St. Peter was at the pearly gates when he announced to the people waiting to get into heaven that he was only going to allow one more person in today and that the rest would have to return tomorrow as he was tired. Everyone was very disappointed. So he announced he would allow the person who died the most interesting death to come in next. The first person, Hansome, quickly shouted out that he was sure it would be his death that would stand out the most. He then told St. Peter the following story:

Once upon a time, there was a fancy high rise apartment building in a swanky part of the city. A young couple lived on the 12th floor; Hansome and Gorjuss. Gorjuss was a drop dead gorgeous relentless flirt. Hansom was a suspicious over-dominating man with an aching premonition that his beloved gorgeous wife was cheating on him while he was hard at work. He became so consumed with jealousy from his suspicions of her having an affair while he was at work that he decided to come home early from work as he was unable to concentrate and get anything productive done anyway.

He burst open the door of his swanky 12th floor high rise to find his beloved, Gorjuss, dressed in a Victoria’s Secret type of outfit looking flushed as if she were just caught doing something wrong. He yells, “Where is he?” He proceeds to look all over the swanky apartment without avail. He then opens up the sliding glass doors to the terrace only to find a man hanging by his hands off the terrace. Hansome immediately realizes this is the no good so and so that has been defiling his beloved wife, Gorjuss. He picks up a nearby hammer and starts hammering the intruder’s fingers. The crafty man somehow manages to hang on despite unbelievable blows and trauma to his hands. Finally the repeated blows literally hammer the intruder’s fingers to a pulp causing the bones in his fingers to shatter and he plunges twelve stories to the ground.

Unbelievably the intruder fell on the thickened area of trees breaking his fall; saving his life. Hansome became so enraged by the sight of this home wrecker failing to die that he looked around with a furtive glance and picked up the first thing he saw, the refrigerator, and threw it out the window onto the man below. He then recounted to St. Peter that unfortunately the strain of doing so was too much for his heart causing him to suffer a massive myocardial infarction with ventricular fibrillation causing his immediate death. Hansom says to St. Peter, “So, that’s how I wound up here on line at the pearly gates to see you. I bet you never heard such a story before. Do I get to come in?”

With that a second man on line, Mr. Healthy Exerciser, steps out and attests the following: He tells St. Peter that he too resides in the same swanky luxury high rise and that his apartment was on the 13th floor just above Gorjuss and Hansom. He says how his doctor told him that his HDL Cholesterol was too low and this was placing him at risk for premature atherosclerosis. The only way to get the HDL to rise was thru extensive daily vigorous exercise. So he decided to purchase an exercise bicycle and place it on the terrace of his 13th floor apartment. He exercised very hard for many hours working up a tremendous sweat. On that day he suffered a freak accident, however. The brake on his exercise bicycle happened to break just as he was peddling the fastest. He flew over the railing and started to plunge to the ground. He started to see his whole life pass before his eyes. Miraculously he was able to grab a hold of the balcony of Gorjuss and Hansom. He hung there for what seemed to be an eternity yelling for dear life when suddenly his prayers were answered. He saw Hansom open the glass doors of the balcony. He breathed a sigh of relief thinking Hansom was going to pull him up. To his horror and disbelief, however, Hansom pulled out a hammer and started to hammer my fingers. I held on incredibly long as I was shouting to Hansom to stop, stop, stop. The repeated blows hammered my fingers to a pulp causing the phalanges in my fingers to break. I lost my hold of the balcony and I started to fall. To my utter amazement I fell on the thickened area of trees and it broke my fall. I was in total shock. I just lay there thinking I could have died. Suddenly Hansom comes holing a refrigerator. I can’t think why he would be moving it to his balcony. All of a sudden, Hansom threw the refrigerator over the balcony and it came crashing down on me! This is how I died, St. Peter. I bet you have never heard such a story and I should clearly be the one to gain entrance to heaven today.

St. Peter was about to grant Mr. Healthy Exerciser entrance into Heaven when a loud manly voice proclaimed, “St. Peter. Wait a minute. I’m Mr. Stud Lee. I have these two men trumped. Let me set the scene for you St. Pete. I’m in this swanky upscale high rise apartment building having an affair with this foxy lady, Gorjuss. I was but naked when all of a sudden I heard the front door open and Hansom walked in. I didn’t know which way to turn, so I decided to climb into the refrigerator. And that’s how I wound up here, St. Peter.”