Memo to all DSI Staff
Re: Review of New CVs of Prospective Employees
Regarding: Use of Colloquisms and their Real Meaning

Performance Appraisals
As we at DSI have been interviewing and meeting several new people as prospective employees for some time now, we have come across some interesting ways candidates use to describe their unique skills and abilities in their résumés that they intend to bring to their new job as follows:

Great Performance Skills? Able to Bullshit
Good Communication Skills? Spends a lot of time on the Phone
Average Employee? Not too Bright
Exceptionally Well Qualified? Made No Major Blunders Yet
Work First Priority? Too Ugly to get a Date
Active Socially? Drinks A lot
Family is Active Socially? Spouse is a Lush
Independent Worker? Nobody knows what he does
Quick Thinker? Offers Plausible Excuses
Careful Thinker? Won't Make a Decision
Aggressive? Obnoxious
Uses Logic on Difficult Jobs? Gets Someone else to do Work
Expresses Themselves Well? Speaks English
Meticulous Attention to Detail? A Nit Picker
Has Leadership Abilities? Is Tall and has a Loud Voice
Exceptionally Good Judgment? Lucky
Keen Sense of Humor? Knows a lot of Dirty Jokes
Career Minded? Back Stabber
Loyal? Can't Get a Job Anywhere Else?

Also, when new employee comes from another state, it will be good to be familiar with their States Slogan:
Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: Without Atlanta we're Alabama.
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...
Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Seven Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States!
Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan
Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island.
South Carolina: We Have Never Actually Surrendered to the North.
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: A Whole 'Nother Country!
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming: Wynot?

NEW JOB INTERVIEW TECHNIQUES

  Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
If they ask why they had to wait for two whole hours, Credit and Collections is their place.
If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.
If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.
If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.
If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.
If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
What job ads *really* mean:
"Competitive Salary" = We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.
"Join our fast-paced company" = We have no time to train you.
"Casual work atmosphere" = We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
Some overtime required" = Some every night and some every weekend.
"Duties will vary" = Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"Must have an eye for detail" = We have no quality assurance.
"Career-minded" = Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"Apply in person" = If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told that the position has been filled.
"Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience" = You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit.
"Problem-solving skills a must" = You're walking into perpetual chaos.
"Requires team leadership skills" = You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"Good communication skills" = Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.