The following represents tips for the employer when appraising a prospective new employee resume during their job interview. When they say… They really mean….

1. Great Presentation Skills: Able to Bullshit
2. Good Communication Skills: Spends a lot of time on the phone
3. Average employee: Not too bright
4. Exceptionally well qualified: Made no major blunders yet
5. Work first priority: Too ugly to get a date
6. Active socially: Drinks a lot
7. Family is active socially: Spouse drinks a lot also
8. Independent worker: Nobody in the firm really has any idea what you do every day
9. Quick thinker: Offers plausible excuses
10. Careful thinker: Won't make an independent original decision
11. Aggressive: Obnoxious
12. Self Starter: Owns an alarm clock
13. Uses logic of different jobs: Good at getting others to do their work
14. Expresses themselves well: Speaks English
15. Meticulous attention to small detail: A nit picker
16. Has leadership qualities: Is tall and has a loud voice
17. Exceptionally good judgment: Lucky
18. Keen Sense of Humor: Possesses large repertoire of off color dirty jokes
19. Career Minded: Back Stabber
20. Loyal: Can't get another job any where else
21. My greatest weakness is my workaholic tendencies: My greatest weakness is my alcoholic tendencies
22. The ideal position would both use my talents and skills and provide the kind of challenge that would help me grow as an employee: The ideal position would be something that pays well, isn't demanding, and has a fancy title
23. Frankly, I've been targeting my job search to a few select firms such as yours: I've been rejected or ignored by everyone within a fifty mile radius
24. Whenever asked to do anything, it only took a second to get it done: A second person, that is
25. You can ask him to do anything, and he won't mind: He won't DO it, but he won't mind you asking
26. Reference letter said, "Given the opportunity, I am certain that Mr. Smith will quickly forge a name for himself within your company": Don't leave any blank checks lying around
27. You will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you: Unfortunately, we couldn't get him to work for us!
28. All in all, I cannot recommend Mr. Smith too highly: In fact, I cannot recommend Mr. Smith at all
29. Your resume says you have been fired from every job you had in the past: At least I’m not a quitter
30. Sick Leave Pay: When I’m sick of this job, I will sabotage your computer, alienate the staff, bad mouth the employer, leave a note stating I’m gone, threaten to sue for failure to receive my last pay check quick enough and eventually sue for workman's compensation